LAUGHTER for the soul

He doesn't know him like we do

A grandmother and young wife were sitting on the porch discussing her husband who bad habits were now irritating and infuriating the wife . "he's just no good" the young wife said. "He's completely untustworthy, not to mention lazy, and self - centered.

"Yes, he's bad" said grandma, as she rocked back and forth, "but Jesus loves him too". "I am not so sure of that" said the wife. "Oh yes, darling, Jesus loves him", assured the grandma.

Grandma rocked back and forth and thought for a few more minutes. Then she seemed to understand the situation and added, "Of course Jesus does't know him like we do".

Should have considered before joining

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed Him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled And went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing, and ran back to the open window to see Johnny struggling to baptize the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Caught in the act

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

A change of mind

A Lutheran pastor was perplexed by an older gentleman who brought him a serious, although not very well-thought out request.

"Pastor, I've had this '57 Chevy since I was 18 years old. It drove me on the first date I had with my wife, it drove us home from our wedding, it drove us to the hospital for all of our children, and finally I wanted it to drive me to my funeral..."

At this point the man started to tear up.

"...but she's not going to make it, Pastor, and I would really like it if you could say a word or two at this event we're having before we scrap her for parts."

The pastor cautiously replied, "Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't really do that. You see, God only watches out after souls, and although your '57 Chevy..."

The bereaved man broke in, "Pastor, I would be willing to donate $50,000 dollars to the church's evangelism program..."

With an air of epiphany, the pastor recoiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize, did you just say that your car was a Lutheran?"

Worried Parishioner

A very worried parishioner walks into his pastor's office and gently pulls out an envelope.  "Rev, I don't know what to think of this letter, it has no return address. It simply says: "Jesus is coming back tomorrow." "I see?" the pastor replies, trying not to appear worried. "Well what should I do?" says the parishioner excitedly, "Should I alert the media?  Should we tell the church?"
"My recommendation," said the pastor, "is that you tell no one of this letter, but that you simply act as if it may be true.  By the way, we're having a short Bible study with confession and absolution tonight at 4pm, and we're feeding the homeless tonight at 5pm."

Whats her secret?

The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon. A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice," the woman answered. "I was the treasurer of a Lutheran Church for thirty-two years! 

Will he know I am lying?

A 4-year-old boy was asked to give the meal blessing before dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one.
     
Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
     
Then he paused, and everyone waited-- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the peas, will he know that I'm lying?"

Secret Service

A gentleman I did not know, was in front of me walking out of church one day.  The preacher grabbed him by the hand, pulled him aside and said to him, "Fred, you need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "Why don't I see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "shuhhhhh I'm in the secret service! "

Political pastoral advice

Young Vicar to Supervising Pastor: "That was a great sermon.... but sometimes I couldn't tell when you were talking about God and when you were talking about yourself".

Supervising Pastor: "Young man, in your situation, you would do well to view them as similar".

Your successor...

Pastor Schmidt took a new call and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She was sad, holding back tears and mourned "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said Pastor Schmidt, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."