LAUGHTER for the soul

Viewing the painting

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Cuban are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Cuban points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Cuban."

3 Wise Women

You do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, put up decorations, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

Sent through Washington

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God. He prayed & prayed for 2 weeks, but nothing came. Then he decided to write God requesting the $100.00. The postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, that he told his secretary to send the little boy $5.00. He thought $5.00 would be a lot of money for this little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00. He sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows: Dear God, Thank you so much for sending the money. I noticed that You had to send it through Washington. Well, as usual, those guys took 95% of the money. Thanks anyway!

Who brews the coffee?

Pastor Schmidt and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee. He argued, " You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it." His wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." The husband replied, "Yeah, right! Where does it say that" She opened the New Testament to the book where it reads: "HEBREWS"

The concept of grace

The Sunday school teacher was checking to see if her class was understanding the concept of 'grace'. She asked the class, If I sold my house and gave all my money to the church will that get me into Heaven"? "NO" all the childen answered. "If I clean the church everyday, mow the lawn and keep the church looking tidy, would that get me in"? Again the children gave a resounding "NO". The teacher was starting to feel pride because she had taught them well. "Then how can I get into heaven"? Little Johnny raising his hand said, "teacher, you gotta be dead first"

Customs Questions

 A charming young lady on a flight from Ireland to NY asked her seatmate, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" replied Father Paul. "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is still unopened but well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

Father Paul replies, "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." She assured him, "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." he said with a smile.

The official thought this answer rather strange, and asked further, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused", he replied in a rather serious tone". Trying to hold back laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

Pls pray for me!

A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming during the entire church service. His embarrassed dad tried unsuccessfully several times to quiet him. Just as Pastor Schmidt was asking for prayer requests, the boy dropped the hymnal on the pew, making a loud "bang". The father's patience had reached its end. He picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was almost out the door, Rev Schmidt was asking if there were any more prayer requests. With great wisdom, the little voice yelled desperately from across the door, " Yes pastor, please pray for me!"

Composing my prayers

Pastor Schmidt was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC's. The pastor waited until the child was through, then said, "I see you're practicing your alphabet. Thats good."

"No," replied the child. "I was praying. You see, I don't know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!"

Engines vs Pastors

Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until an observant passenger noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced "I'm sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don't worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I'd also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane because we are fortunate have four Lutheran Pastors, coming back from a church conference, on board." Someone at the back of the plane piped up "I'd feel far more secure if we had four engines and three Pastors!"

 

Bat Problem Solved

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since."