LAUGHTER for the soul

Why the water?

A Sunday school teacher was explaining the story of Elijah vs the false prophets of Baal. She expained how Elijah built the altar, put wood on it, cut a steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. Finally to eveyone's surprise he ordered the people to pour 4 barrels of water over the the altar and to do it 4 times! The teacher asked if anyone knew why the Lord ordered Elijah to pour water over the steer and the wood?

A little girl in the back of class waved her hand to answer. "I know, I know", she said. "The water was needed to make the gravy"

Failing math

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.

Several days later, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.” “Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?” “No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!

Wouldn't you know it

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

"People waved these and laid them down in front of Jesus" his father told him.

"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "Jesus shows up on the one Sunday I don't go to church". 

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" "What denomination?" the clerk asks. "Oh my gosh, has it come to this?" the woman asks. "Give me 32 Catholic, 12 Lutheran, and 6 Baptists."

Proof that Santa is a tenured senior faculty member at a university:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.
4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.

Signed "From Santa"

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Santa Claus.' A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason. 'What's the matter, Al?'  I asked. 'Ummmm, 'replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mommy would give me something for Christmas.'

Don't steal church's turkey, please

Sven stopped by his church to talk to his Pastor. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". The Pastor told him "That was a awful  thing to do". The man replied "Yes, I know that now. Do you want it?" The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." The man replied "I tried to give it back but he refused it". The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way.
When the Pastor arrived home later that day he discovered that his turkey had been stolen!

The governments plan

When told about the government's plan for Daylight Savings Time, an old Seminole Chieftan just shook his head and said, "Only this government could come up with an idea that cutting a foot off the top of a blanket and sewing it to the bottom makes a longer blanket."

Based on the merits

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon … “Now then, I m returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.”