LAUGHTER for the soul

What we are known for

A bus ran over a Catholic man in Iowa City. The gravely injured man kept calling out to the gathering crowd to get him a priest. No one came forward and no one knew how to respond. Finally a little old Jewish man stepped in and said, "I'm not a priest but I live next to a Catholic church and everynight I overhear their services. I can remember most of it. I will try to confort this poor man". He knelted down, leaned over the man and in a solemn voice said, B4.... I 19 ...... N 38... G 54.... O 72

My Pastor will find me

Two men were marooned on an Island.  One man paced back and forth worried and scared. The other man sat back and enjoyed sunning himself.  The first man said to the second man, "aren't you afraid we are about to die."  "No," said the second man, "for you see I make $100,000 per week and I tithe faithfully to my church ever week.  My Pastor will find me."

Multiple choice

Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?" Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. A smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Quick thinking

A Lutheran musician was moonlighting at a Baptist church. The preacher was finishing a rousing sermon against the evils of drink. His voice filling the church, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Growing more impassioned, he shouted, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

Finally, he thundered, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The Lutheran musician then stood up and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

Not what I meant

A Sunday School teacher reviewed the roles of some of the powerful kings and queens in Bible times with her high school class. Then she asked, "but is there a higher power"? Johnny yelled out, "sure, aces always beat out kings and queens".

Little Johnny talks with the Pastor

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away.
They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Birthday Gift

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

Truthfulness

If you’re going to work here young man,” said the boss, “one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. “Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”  “Oh, yes, sir.” responded the young man.

“And another thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said the boss.

Inviting the Pastor

Ole and Lena invited their elderly Pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their 5-year-old son, Ole Jr., what they were having. "Goat" Ole Jr. replied. "Goat"? replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that"?

"Yep", said Ole. "I heard my dad say to my mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have that old goat for dinner."